ok. so i'm a runner. i don't like a situation, and i go. almost immediately. its a frustrating habit and i don't know when it started. not when i was little. i seemed to be fearless when i was young. always performing, creating a stage, an audience. unafraid to take chances. wore insane outfits and jumped off cliffs. was a social butterfly and an introverted intellectual. life seemed great. frustrating but great. i was frustrated that i wasn't in the girl's version of stand by me. i . liked walking on train tracks. i loved stephen king. or on, "you can't do that on television" i wanted to be the prisoner, all tied up priness leia style. i wanted to be the astronaut in "space camp". i wanted to be mia farrow in Ferris bueller. i wanted fantasy and romance and excitement even when i was little, but i lived in whitefish mt and couldn't have it, so i settled for great costumes and being the center of attention when i could. but that's beside the point. probably every girl wanted to be those things...uhg..baby in dirty dancing..please!!!

but i had some really great things. i got to go to summer camp far away and ride horses and cheerlead and raft guide and have lots of freedom with friends and boys.

boys. ok. its boys.

of-fucking-course it is. maybe if i was a lesbian it wouldn't be, but when besides then, isn't it?

i am a chaser longing to be chased. i was a chase girl on the playground. always creating a reason to chase or be chased.

and i still chase and it doesn't work and then i run like hell, hoping to be chased back, and instead i'm left with just me and my shadow...on the move. and i'm so freaking cute! i don't get it!